she wondered when it would all feel okay - all at once, all at the same time - and stay that way. when everything would come together and, like a flash of light before your eyes, make sense in an altogether different kind of way. when the questions would not only fade but disappear entirely and seem unnecessary. when the doubt would turn into certainty. when the what ifs would stop circling around inside her head. when the regrets would no longer seem like regrets but moments leading her here.
there were times when she would feel it. when everything would come together and make sense. when the questions no longer needed answering. when her faith in the future replaced any doubt. when she could quiet the what ifs long enough to hear the what is. when she knew it had all happened for a reason. those times were happening more often lately and, for whatever reason, she could hang onto those times longer and longer in the recent passing days. but there were still moments when, suddenly, that certainty was wiped clear.
an afternoon of conversation between old but very different friends. a picture from years ago when none of this was even a consideration. a song on the radio that hit the heart in all the right (or wrong) places. a secret wish inside herself that only he knew.
those were the kinds of moments that made clarity cease to exist. those were the kinds of moments she feared. she dreaded. she couldn't escape. those were the kinds of moments that continued to carry little pieces of her away with them.
and so she was left to wonder. would it always be this way? even on your most confident of days, would there always be a chance to get knocked down, heart first? or would there finally come a day when sureness would overcome it all and make way for a letting go?
she knew there was reason for question and doubt, for what ifs and regret, and all at once and all at the same time, she knew there was reason to have faith as well. because she knew it would all fade, it would all disappear, one day. one way or another.
[this all reminds me of a counting crows song. my favorite song of theirs, actually. "anna begins." this song kills me and has for years. so, listen carefully. YouTube - Counting crows anna begins]