i will never forget.

The sky was kind of green tonight, your favorite color. I went by and saw Brandon today at the gym. Something about being at the gym, and being there with him, was comforting. People have been putting flowers and things on your desk, and there’s a memorial service tomorrow night at the gym for you. It’s so strange without you there. So, so strange. When I pulled up this afternoon, your car was in the parking lot. I don’t know why, but there it was. I couldn’t look at your desk just yet, because I can’t imagine not finding your smiling face there.

I've been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars.. very loudly.. in the car all day.

I’m reading through some old emails again, and they’re making me laugh out loud. These are some of my favorite parts from you.

“Na mean lil wody. fo skizzle my rizzle lil j nizzle... I know what you’re thinking... “damn that's gangster.” Thanks, but I have no idea what that means. I heard Cuba Gooding JR say that in a movie once (great actor). I too thought it was pretty gangster.”

“We just gotta get our ninja suits back from the cleaners and we're ready to go.”

“We came home and I ate like 3 English muffins toasted with butter and jelly. They were delicious.”

“Maybe you should play your game with the patients just to make it interesting. Just try not to get arrested.”

“I came home and cooked some white rice with corn and onions in it, and sautéed some string beans with chopped onions, and grilled a big salmon fillet (pronounced phil-ett). It was a delicious yet healthy meal. And for dessert I had some love grapes.” Always with the love grapes.

“I knew you would like this kind of music and not just John Gayer. But anyway you should definitely look into a writing job. I’m sure they're out there, you just have to look for them. Or become a physician's assistant and make the big bucks. Then you can have a house out on the lake and a boat and a baby llama and 3 peacocks. And maybe a flying squirrel too if you’re into that. But just do whatever makes you happy.”

I’m going to miss laughing with you and all the silliness.
　
　

"remember everything," she said. "when only memories remain."

Because I don't know what to say out loud.. Because I can't sleep..

You are already so missed. Never did I think there’d be a day I knew without you. So young. So full of life. And always with a smile. I saw you for the last time Saturday, February 26th, 2011. I passed by you at the gym, you passed by me. “Hey, what’s up, Jennaynay?” you said, with a big smile on your face, with a big smile in your eyes. I said, “Hey, how are you?” with a smile on mine, in mine. I read back through our old emails tonight, but mostly, I read back through my journal from last year. All we did, all the memories and inside jokes. I’m so glad I wrote it all down. I’m so glad I have it all with me still; although, it doesn’t come close to having you here. This time last year, things were so good with us. You showed up last year at just the right time. We were always, always on the same page, both of us wanting the same things at the same times. You got me. I miss that so much.

I miss you so much, my dear friend. I miss your laugh - I can still hear it. I’ll miss seeing you at the gym several times a week. I’m not sure how it’s going to be going back there - not seeing you at your desk, not waving hello and goodbye to you, not making funny faces at you, not hearing you say, “Hey, Jennaynay. What’s up?” I will miss the “What’s up?” so much. I’ll miss getting emails from you that always, always read “contains offensive language” at the top of them. I’ll miss hearing you say, “I wish my name was.. Floyd.. Sampson.. Willy..” you name it. I’ll miss so many things; I already do.

You were a good friend, to say the very least. My heart is broken, and I’ve cried for hours, literally. I wish I could just talk to you, text you. I’ve left two messages on your wall on Facebook now, and it does help for some reason. I’ve looked through pictures tonight from last year - the February snow, your car stuck in the snow outside my house, the pictures at my house with the girls and Brandon around the kitchen table, your pictures from Battle of the Biceps and Mayhem. Someone added pictures of you on your wall tonight - they were pictures from the night of my birthday party - you know, when we went to Macado’s, and then went to El Rodeo and had a little too much to drink (and there were 18 waiters singing "Happy Birthday" to me). I’ll never forget that ride home, screaming with the windows down, hair flying, putting lotion on Jeff’s knee because someone farted and I thought it would help the smell (and, really, it just confused Jeff).

I’ve read so many comments on Facebook tonight about how people said they’ll miss seeing your smiling face, how you were always smiling. It’s true, and I know exactly how they feel. So many people are missing you, are grieving. It’s a sad, sad day. I remember the late-night runs to McDonald’s for chicken nuggets and fries; I remember all the movies we went to see and watched (especially the stupid funny movies that always cracked us up.. funky fresh); I remember allllllll the music - my iPOD hasn’t been the same since; I remember the cook-outs and the many trips to Alejandro’s; Suka bear ninja fox dog; watching “Paranormal” and you freaking out; the red velvet cakes; McGruber (and seeing him in person that one night); all the laughs (there were many) and giant hugs; and so many other memories.

You always found something special in everything, always enjoyed things to the fullest, always took things one step at a time. I’ll keep that with me always. I know you always read my blog; I believe you’re still able to. Lots of love and giant hugs, turkey.

the skyline is bright tonight.

The night tilted down
Gathering with it, in its hands
All that once failed to find a sound
There were themes of rain
And with it
Came a change
Suddenly a shift in motion
A revolving
Another place in time
Giving a voice to what was lost
In the days of some mistaken town
There were colors
I swear, I saw them
It just took the shimmer starlight
Casting insight
To remind me, to find me
And bring me back again

tonight's lesson.. there's always a bounce back.

learn to be still.

today's lesson (actually.. yesterday's lesson.. i wrote this tuesday).. return to stillness.

so, i have my quiet days. i mean, i'm a quiet person in general. but some days, i'm even quieter than usual. today was one of those days. today was also one of those days when i guarantee i wrote more (and laughed more) than i spoke. it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. more often than not, nothing is wrong (including today). and it also doesn't mean i'm not enjoying what i'm doing at the time, or that i'm unhappy, either. sometimes i worry it gets taken the wrong way. but it's just what it is. quiet stillness.

this has bothered others in the past. those who felt the need to fill every possible second with spoken words. those who felt the need to change me until i, too, was screaming. those who failed to see the beauty in the silent spaces in between. but i.. i have never minded the quiet. in fact, i prefer it most of the time (except when it comes to music). and it's nice to be surrounded by family and friends who get that, who let me be.. that's something i'm forever thankful for.. something that always means so much to me.

it’s amazing what you can hear, what you can learn, when it’s quiet and you keep listening.

I spoke as loud as I could
So maybe you’d hear me
Always the quiet one
But I screamed in return
Shouting lessons I knew
You’d never learn
You had already replaced me
With your own dreams
Mapping out directions
To a place I wasn’t meant to be
You forgot I’m a homebody
A quiet-natured somebody
Who set her sights
On the plans you changed
The promises you erased
Before I ever had a chance to settle in
Instead, I raised my voice
Hoping to match yours
Hoping to be heard over the words
You seemed to think were more important
Than my own
I gave up screaming
Once I figured out you weren’t paying attention
Anyway
Once I realized you had your own eyes
Set on something more
Once I woke up
The stillness returned
The calm I had forgotten
The quiet I had fought against
All for the sake of being respected
By someone who was never listening
These days, I realize
I don’t have to yell to be heard
I’m surrounded by open ears
That hear me
Even when I haven’t spoken a word

because i know there are little things about me that would sing in the silence.

it's a strange feeling when you want to write but can't for one reason or another. i've found, throughout the past six months or so, the more i write, the more i have to write. you'd think it would be the other way around.. the more you write, the less you have left to write. but it doesn't seem to work that way. with school, and with a cold last week that left my head fuzzy, i haven't written quite as much lately.. even though i've wanted to. so, i figured, instead of not writing, i would write about not being able to write (ha), and see what comes of it (if anything).

i think the best thing to do in situations like this is just to write and not think. by thinking too much, and trying to put the words together in my head first, something gets lost between there and here. funny to think.. when you try to make it work the way you want, to put it together just so, it usually doesn't go as planned. when you let go, though, and realize what's meant to be is going to happen (and that everything always works out as it should), well, the words fall onto the page before you and, before you know it, you're writing again.

the important thing to remember? what happens instead (what just happens) is far greater than what you ever had in mind to begin with. i've learned that now.

today's lesson.. let it.

["there are too many distractions waiting for the perfect time.."]

here is a brighter garden.

today's lesson.. watch the sparkle revive.

Stolen time spent looking back
On a heart meant for something new
Fearing the inhale of the end
Sure I could breathe without you

When I chose to let it go
A deep breath suddenly rushed in
Whispering sounds of a rescue
And a new chance to begin

No more time set to wonder
Or questions that float in my eyes
Instead, I have found the moments
That refuse to just pass by

I’ve watched the sparkle revive
Fireflies on a midnight sky
Forever find their way to shine
Always find their place in time

on our way, so it seems. blooming flowers waltz before me.

with grad school classes starting, lots of sub days and two huge assignments, it was a very busy week. but a good busy week and weekend :)

it's funny when things all fall into place. when you feel you're right where you're meant to be when you're meant to be there. i know, no matter what, i'm always right where i'm meant to be when i'm meant to be there, but there are certain times when i can really feel it.

when i turned 26 back in august, i had the feeling 26 would be the year it all came together. i remember saying that or writing that. i had no idea at the time what exactly that meant. it was, again, just something i felt. as we move further and further into my 26th year, i can feel it even more.. i'm breathing into it.

turns out, this is the 26th week of year 26 (i know this because i'm still keeping track of "firsts" for each week), and it's off to a wonderful start.

my life continues to be filled.

today's lesson (or this past week's lesson).. breathe it in.

clap the net over the butterfly of the moment.

from earlier tonight..


so, i'm sitting in the salem mill mountain coffee shop, waiting on a professor and a girl from my class.. listening to this douche at the next table bore his date with statements like, "i like geometry.. all the angles".. drinking an iced coffee drink the counter person talked me into.. i guess he thought i looked like i needed some caffeine.. little did he know, i hate coffee, and i'm pretty sure everyone around me can tell, because i keep making a "what in the world is this crap?" face every time i take a sip.. wondering if coffee drinks could ever be like running.. something i once hated but learned to enjoy.. ugh, another sip. and it stays with you, too. i keep thinking it'll get better. not happening.. i have no way of recognizing this professor.. i wonder if she would like the rest of my coffee drink.. there are two women sitting to my left alone.. i think it'd be pretty funny if one happened to be the professor and the other, the girl from class.. textbook from class now out on the table so maybe they'll find me when they get here.. my bright idea for the evening.. there's chocolate at the bottom of this drink.. i can see it, but i can't taste it. stupid coffee. hmm, perhaps i should have worn a nametag..


today's lesson.. welcome the ramble.