Sunday, March 21, 2010

remember everything, she said, when only memories remain.

i've never been one for letting go. my heart is built for holding on.

there are moments that i'll never be able to erase, memories that never escape me. and it takes very little to bring it all back. that feeling when i'm remembering it the second and third time around - it's just as vivid as the first. and there i am, living it all over again, feeling it in the same way i felt it before. and barely anything has changed.

i have to look carefully these days for that progress, that moving forward. it's there. i can feel it. but in my weaker moments when i let it all get the best of me, i seem to forget how far i've come. those moments and memories take over, that feeling comes back and, for a second or two, i am right back where i used to be. before, i'd get the wind knocked out of me and i would be stuck in that feeling. now, those weak moments happen less often and when they do, they don't last as long. they don't linger. they don't keep me down.

i don't know if it's a true moving on or if it's my determination to not let it get to me anymore. but, whatever it is, it's different than it used to be. i'm different than i used to be. and, either way, it's a moving forward.

"all forward motion counts."

those weak moments always make me wonder and question and doubt. i wonder if, even as i continue to move forward, those moments will continue to happen no matter what. because, today, during a time in my life when i can now consider myself stronger and a bit wiser, with my mind made up, i still found myself knocked down, taken aback, questioning each decision i had made to get me to this point. and i can't help but wonder, is it always going to be this way?

i am always this way - always looking back, always holding on, scared to really let go. i don't know what i'm so afraid of. maybe it's that i'll get too far away from it all to ever get it back again. maybe it's that i hate change and i'll do anything to keep things the same - or as close to the same as they can be. maybe it's because i'm afraid of the holes and the spaces it will leave in my heart.

i guess that's just a part of me and who i am. someone who can move forward while holding on and looking back. someone with room enough in her heart for the then and the now. someone who has yet to let go but is still in forward motion.


  1. Ghosts belong for their own reasons. :)

  2. true but.. i think it's time for them to go. ha. abe agrees.


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