hoping i would see the world through both my eyes.

I picture you looking down on us
You’re always standing
Arms crossed and a smile on your face
With a look of anticipation
As if you’re waiting for the show to start
As always, you don’t want to miss a thing
You won’t miss anything
You look out over us
Keeping an eye on what’s ahead
But always laughing, always being, in the moment
Your eyes are wide, taking it all in
And getting the most out of everything you see
I picture you happy
On the edge of your seat, so to say
And always ready for anything
And it’s more than you watching out for us, watching over us
It’s you standing beside of us, still refusing to miss a thing

i wanted to see you walking backward.

There was something about the river’s bend
That let me know we’d me again
And there you wait, my sweet, missed friend
Across the stream, and ushering in
Your arms stretched out, two hands that lend
I reached and leaped and over I went
Knowing full well the journey we’d spent
Just like the ripples - without beginning or end
Now I sit at the side of the river’s bend
Knowing one day we’ll meet again
I picture you waiting, my ever-present friend
Through the clouds, and calling from within
Your arms open wide, two hands that send
Messages of hope and faith in leaps again
Remembering the journey destined to amend
A heart, and all its ripples, without beginning or an end

get right to the heart of matters.

You find me on the drive back home
In simple, quiet songs that usher in remembering
You’ve become the catch in my throat
And the deep breath it takes to release it
You’re the tears that fall unexpectedly
That fall until they’ve had enough
The clouds aren’t clouds any longer
They’re reminders that you’re now overhead
Looking down and watching over
And in these ways, you feel within reach
Some days, it’s comforting just to know you’re there
Other days, it seems it’s just not quite enough
I’ve begun to learn the past year by heart
And the memories it held
I’m holding onto your laugh as best I can
Looking back, I find myself often thinking, “this time last year…”
Memories I thought we’d keep adding to, creating
Instead, they’re all I have left of you
I never thought that’s all I would have left
Never thought I’d have to remember you in these ways
And so it appears today is one of those other days
When I’m thankful for the memories
But I’m wishing for so much more

no need to bear the weight of your worries.

baking has always been relaxing to me. something about the measuring and the mixing and knowing something bigger will come from the small steps i'm taking.

there are the standards i have made throughout the years, like red velvet cake and pumpkin pie. and the not-so-standard desserts, like carrot and pineapple cake and the cranberry, walnut and white chocolate cookies that have become a christmas tradition.

i like having a recipe in front of me. exact measurements and directions. knowing that, if i follow the instructions carefully, the end product will be just as i expected and hoped for. no real surprises, and a consistency between making the recipe one time and then trying it another.

i like the sense of control. and i think that is where the relaxation comes from when i'm baking and not having to worry, because i know it will all work out just as it should (just as the recipe promises).

i know, in reality, i am not the one in control (baking or not). but i feel as if we are given ways to feel in control, especially in those times when it is especially hard to understand why something has happened the way it has, and that there is nothing we can do about it - that is, nothing we can do about it to reverse it or erase it. instead, if we look, we find tiny things, like making a batch of cupcakes, that are our own, predictable and, more often than not, reliable. because, although we cannot change the "bigger picture," we can change how we deal with it and handle it, accepting it is all out of our control, knowing something bigger is in the future thanks to our tiny steps, and trusting that everything works out as it should, because there is always someone baking right alongside us.

["and it's good to know it's out of my control. if there's one thing that i've learned from all this living, it's that it wouldn't change a thing if I let go..]

i'm by your side.

there's a comfort in knowing you're still with us. i see you when i look at the sky, particularly the clouds and the stars. i was told not too long ago that you couldn't hear us or see us, that that wasn't the way it worked. i have to disagree. maybe it's just a way to make myself feel better, or maybe it's something more. i like to think, to believe, that, at least every once in a while, you get a peak at what's going on, that you can hear me, and that you're smiling in return.

~

it was today, april 3rd, last year that i bought my first new car. i remember meeting you at buffalo wild wings for dinner out on the patio, and then our driving in my car afterward. i probably tried to play hanson, but that never went over too well :) lately, i find myself pretending you're in the passenger seat next to me sometimes. maybe that's crazy, but it's the truth. especially when i'm listening to 30 seconds to mars, or, you know, that "scary" music. i have to say, even though you were a terrible "backseat driver" (ha), i miss those drives and rides with you.

~

i look back a lot lately on all we did last year.. in my ongoing journal. i can't tell you how much of a comfort that is as well.. being able to read and remember all our good times.

~

"now, though, looking back, i wondered what it meant, knowing it meant something, and questioned whether 2011 would be anything like the past year.." i wrote that a few months ago, about you, friend, as i wondered if. 2011 has been anything but similar to 2010, and although i know you're still with me, it's in an altogether different, and an altogether unexpected, way.

~

i don't know how it all works. but, to me, when i think of you, look up and speak to you in my own way, and especially as i write about you, it feels to me that you're right here, that you can hear everything, that we're sitting here having this conversation. that's what i feel, and to me, that's what i believe.

creep on in. and once it has begun, it won't stop until it's done.

it hit me funny tonight, friend.

~

another friend encouraged me to write.. to write in my book.. something i haven't done for a good while now. and so i did. i wrote about you, going back over the past month and missing you so much it hurts.

~

it's hard because i can't fix it. it's not like a disagreement with someone, when you can call them and try to make things right. it's not like we've just not spoken for the past month, and i can email you to catch up. it's not like it used to be, when i would run into you at the gym and we would talk and laugh.

~

it was never a thought that you wouldn't be here. i just got used to having you in my life, in one way on another, especially after all the time we spent together last year. it's hard to believe someone who was, and always will be, such a big part of my life isn't here any longer. i don't get it.

~

i want my friend back, plain and simple.