the circus girl, after all the rodeos, she settles down alone.

i didn't need a rescue

or the flowers in your hands
i never needed jewelry
or promises made in sand

i don't need your approval
or consent to go ahead
i never needed your choice
or the words you only said


at the end of the day
it all fell away
and what i needed...
it wasn't there anyway


i fight against it. the needing someone or something. or try to, at the very least. i feel determined to open my own doors and pickle jars; to walk myself to my own car; to buy flowers for myself just because. if i know i can do it myself, and if i do it myself, there's little room for waiting and disappointment. it all rests on me.


words and things have begun to mean little to me these days. they never amounted to anything before, so why would it be any different this go 'round? i need to see those words and things in motion. movement. action. at least, before i put my trust behind them. until then, it seems, i'm just waiting for the fall-out.


wow. reading this back, it all sounds pretty pessimistic. it doesn't come from a place of pessimism. honestly. it comes from being honest with myself, finally, at this particular point in time and knowing where i am at the end of the day. only knowing now.


a few months ago, i talked this same talk. but, to be honest, i wasn't really there yet. i still relied on outside sources for my happiness and comfort and needs. now, although i still look to family and friends for those same things, i can say, more than i could a few months ago, that i'm learning to look to myself first. and then, take it from there. this is where i am now, moving forward in my own shoes.

i don't mind the dark, discovering the day, because the night is a beautiful bright blue and grey.

i can't think of anything to write. okay. that's a lie. i can't think of anything i want to share at this particular point in time. not anything noteworthy, that is. but i do feel like writing. so, maybe i'll share some not-so-noteworthy things with you all and take it from there.

i sleep curled up in the fetal position.

i like big bowls of cereal at night.

i go back and forth about everything. literally. everything

wearing my stethoscope around my neck makes me feel semi-important.

i should not be allowed to shop online. it's too easy to fill that shopping cart.

when i was looking for a "father's day" card the other day for my dad, i almost bought and left the store with a "happy birthday, dad" card instead. senior moment of the week.

i find a new celebrity at the gym every time i go. wanda sykes, that heidi girl from "the hills," angelina jolie, and what's-his-face from "twilight."

i don't need a rescue.

i've never, ever been good at math. in math class senior year, we were supposed to show our work on each test. i had no idea how to even begin solving any of the problems. so, for each question, i would just write down a random number as my answer. i did really well in that class.

i turn into a huge smartass when i'm mad.

having people read and enjoy reading my writing means so much. seriously.

i love roller coasters. i have a craving for kings dominion right now.

just found out the counting crows are touring this summer. so excited to see them with my brother in july.

painting pottery has quickly become the "new hobby of the year" for the girls and me.

the end.

[add something to the list. it'll be fun]

you know i can't ignore it. so, what are you waiting for?

about 13 years ago, i heard this particular band for the very first time. i remember being in our garage with the radio station blaring, thinking to myself, i don't know who or what this is, but it's catchy and i like it. a feel-good kind of music that made me smile and want to dance. i was completely hooked. luckily, my cousin shared the same love for this band; we were two of the few hanson fans i knew. yes, i'm talking about hanson. and, while we got a lot of crap for liking them and their music, we continued buying their albums and t-shirts and books (yes, there were books) and concert tickets.

we saw hanson in concert for the first time when we were almost 13 years old. i still remember that night. even with our lawn "seats," and even though we could just barely see the band, we sang and danced and jumped around the entire night as if we were on the front row of the arena. our second hanson concert, a few years later, was in an auditorium, and this time, we could actually see them clearly. we again sang and danced, running down the isle to get a better look at the band. i'll never forget the look on my cousin's face when, after waiting for the guys to run out to the tour bus after the show, she reached out, touched zac's hat and turned around to tell me the "big news." i saw the band again a few years ago, in a tiny club in baltimore, packed with fans. i have to say, things were a little different that time around. when we were teenagers (or almost-teenagers), there was that teeny-bopper, "oh my gosh, it's hanson!" excitement. as the years went on, the kind of fandom changed, and it became more about liking the music. still, throughout the years, their music continues to put a smile on my face and brings back that same feeling i had years and years ago.

my brother, my cousins and i grew up listening to oldies thanks to our moms and dads. i can't remember a ride or a trip in one of our family's mini vans that didn't involve the oldie station on the radio and a little singing and dancing. i think our exposure to that kind of music is part of the reason we have always enjoyed hanson so much. their music has always had that same kind of feel to it. pop. rock. soul. it was just a given.

as i'm writing this, i'm listening to hanson's newest album, "shout it out." it's the same kind of feel-good music they've been creating for years. and i'm in love with it all. i've literally had a smile on my face for the past hour and a half that i've been listening to their newest music. i also recently watched a "making the album" video, and i think zac sums it up best when he says, "don't be afraid to smile and to love music that makes you feel good.."

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmG0DqhfDbY

you can only say that what you want is where you are.

i've been working on 10 west for about three months now, and i have to say, i'm really enjoying it - my coworkers and the work itself. some mornings i leave the hospital wondering why i enjoy doing what i do. it's not a pretty job; it's not an easy job; and there are many moments at work when i find myself thinking, "how am i going to do this?" but, for one reason or another, i love it.


i love the hands-on; the activeness of it all. i love how every night is the same and every night is different. i love learning many new things each time i work, and it always amazes me how much there is to learn and continue learning. i love staying busy and running around like a maniac. i love the teamwork behind it all. and i love taking care.

when i was little, i wanted to be a kindergarten teacher. in high school, i had my heart set on teaching dance. and then there were times i thought i'd do something with writing. after my first year at radford, though, the idea of going into nursing just kind of came to me out of the blue. and, for whatever reason, it just stuck with me from then on out.

i was fortunate enough to get my dream nursing job right after graduation in the nicu - neonatal intensive care - working with premature and sick newborns. and, if i'm being completely honest, i've always had a place in my heart for nicu nursing and think it's something i'd like to go back to one day. in northern virginia, i got the chance to work on a high-risk pregnancy unit and loved working with that patient population as well. and here i am today, working on the acute care for the elderly unit, with the opportunity to take care of older adults.

i've learned so much from nursing - from each job and each position. expect the unexpected. plan ahead but know that, no matter how much or how well you plan, a million things will come up and happen in the meantime that you never planned on. don't try and do two things at once; take it one step at a time, finishing one task before you more on to the next. don't be afraid to ask for help, and be sure and help those around you with a smile on your face. sit down when you can. watch the sunrise over the mountains out of the window at the end of the hall. never say "quiet" or "slow;" things begin to happen shortly after. along with the scheduled, have-to-do things of each shift, take the time to do the little things for each patient (those are my favorite nursing moments). and, finally, there is always, always something new to learn.

it's good to finally be feeling settled again - or, at the very least, very close to it - and to be getting back to the real me a little bit at a time. i've learned throughout the last few years that nursing is a part of that real me. so, maybe this is where the blog is going now - writing about who i am now and what makes up me now - instead of writing about who i used to be or who i'd like to be. live each season as it passes.

get right to the heart of matters.

thursday reflections. sharing 10 thoughts of the week.

1. ever think about what you would do if you didn't work where you work now? i think i'd do something related to writing. or photography. or baking.

2. itunes and i are a dangerous combination. seriously. i'm going to go broke thanks to new music.

3. i was throwing away some trash in a trashcan outside a gas station this week, and the trashcan read, "do not litter." does that seem unnecessary to anyone else but me?

4. i heard this song called "you're the reason i come home" by ron pope on "so you think you can dance" last night. beautiful song. no idea who this singer is, but i already like him. also have been listening to 30 seconds to mars a lot lately and love these songs in particular - "kings and queens" and "closer to the edge." go listen to them on youtube. now.

5. favorite picture finds from this week.

6. "these lessons that we've learned here have only just begun."

7. so excited "so you think you can dance" is back. such amazing, moving dancers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41uD4XXCITc&NR=1

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULOO16xljNg&feature=related
(the part at one minute in kills me).

8. lots of afternoon falling rain this week. i love it.

9. in the mood to bake.

10. beaches. birthdays. fireflies. thunderstorms. ice cream. summertime.

make a time to find your way.

so, i'm at work right now, but there's nothing to do. lots o' empty rooms on the floor tonight, which means fewer patients for each nurse and less to do. so, here i am.

i've been thinking about what i should use this blog for. i started writing about my 13 commandments a while back, but i've now written about all 13 of them, and i feel like i should pick something else to center this blog around.

any ideas? would love to hear from you all.

on another note. i can't believe it's june already. this year continues to fly by, but the best part is every moment has been full this year. i can genuinely say that. and i'm feeling more and more settled myself.

i called this blog "an altogether different place" because, after everything that happened last year, i found myself, emotionally, in a different place, and i used this blog and writing as ways to move and grow through it all. months later, i find myself in another altogether different place, having moved on and having grown up thanks to 2009. but i know there's more to come and more room to grow.

i've always been a planner, a dreamer. 2010 has been different, though, and i've been able to really be here instead of wondering what comes next. i guess that's how i've changed the most.

still, i've been thinking of this blog, and i need ideas. stat! (ha. hey, i'm at the hospital. had to thrown that in there). hm. where to go next - writing-wise. all i know is, i love my life, i love writing, and the best i know to do is to just keep writing about what i love.