Sunday, May 9, 2010

isn't it pretty to think so?

i'm not afraid of being hurt again. i can say that with a decent amount of certainty. what i am scared of is being made a fool out of again; being made to believe one thing when, in reality, an entirely different something is going on.

i'm a big girl. i think my heart is pretty strong. i can handle a lot more than you probably think.

just as sure as i don't know happiness when i find it and have it, i also don't know honesty when i see it anymore either. i question it. i expect it to be a lie. i don't believe it. it's like this continual "yeah, right" in my head.

there are a handful of people who i trust, genuinely trust, and really, that's okay with me.

i want to believe it - whatever it may be - but whatever allowed me to believe before is now gone almost entirely. scary how quickly things can change and how long it takes to get it back.

i've always been a fairly naive person, thinking this person could never do something like this or that and believing people can change. then, to my surprise (i was always genuinely surprised), something would happened to prove me wrong. i'm not trying to sound pessimistic here, and i don't consider myself to be a pessimist; just someone slowly shaking naivety.

i got so used to this "yeah, right" way of thinking that i'm having a hard time finding my way out of it. i don't want to think this way any longer. i'm not the kind of person who expects to be disappointed (although, i'll admit, it does make things easier); i'm not the type of person who doesn't trust people. and, yet, here i am, scared half to death with my guard up.

and what happens when you let your guard down, going along with things as they are presented to you (even if your gut knows better), only to find that, once again, you've been fooled? i'm not saying this has happened again, but what if it does? i'm not a stupid girl, but it's instances like this that have and would make me feel like one again, and i can't let that happen again.

so, keep yourself in constant motion; always moving, never settling; eyes straight ahead but focused on the here and now; expecting the unexpected and never allowing yourself to be too surprised or caught off guard; otherwise, be warned. and i've been warned. hell, i've warned myself. i'm just hoping to one day find my way back, or to find my way to, that kind of childlike faith i used to have - the kind that never questioned, never thought twice, and always believed.

commandment: leave the lights on.

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