it's 5 am on a saturday morning. i can't tell you the last time i was awake at this time on a saturday. the reason i'm awake now? work. two more hours to go. it has been an unusually slow night, and i thought i would write with the spare time that i have.
slow nights like this don't come around very often. when they do, it gives me a lot of time to think. too much time, actually. as a worrier/over-thinker - well, let's just say, the less time to think, the better. i've learned this over the years. quiet nights are my enemy. ha. you'd be amazed at what all runs through my head. maybe more amazing that that - whenever i'm asked, "what are you thinking?," my mind, which was just filled with hundreds of thoughts, goes completely blank. it's weird, i know this.
it's funny to me - my job as a nurse is so technical and clinical, and as a person, i find myself to be more on the creative side, very into writing and photography and music and dance. sometimes i wonder how i ended up in nursing. why am i at a computer charting on patients when i could be at a computer writing creatively? just a thought. one of the many i've had tonight. i've shared a secret regarding these very thoughts with one of you, and while i rarely hold back in these entries, i think i'll keep my secret this time - at least between this friend and me and at least for now.
all of you reading this - are you doing what you really want to be doing? do you question sometimes why you do what you do? if you could have one job for the rest of your life, what would it be? i'd love to hear from you all.
why do i always feel i'm on this continual search for something else? i wonder, if and when i fall into something just right, will i then be able to completely settle into it? am i thinking about this too much? probably. does anything ever feel 100 percent right? all i know is, if you never question things - whatever they may be - you may never find what you're really looking for.
commandment: listen to yourself.