Monday, April 12, 2010

when we see the early signs of daylight fading, we leave just before it's gone.

after i've been out or gone for a while, i always get the need to come back home. even if it's just for a little while. i've always been this way. a homebody at heart. don't get me wrong, though. i love going out; i love the new things i've gotten to do and to try lately. but there are always those times when i feel the pull back home. it's almost like a "reboot"; a chance to unload my thoughts, clear my head and start again. and, for whatever reason, i need that every once in a while.
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the same thing happens when i'm confronted with something. it's as if i can't react right away. i literally can't find the words; my mind is almost blank. i have to remove myself from the situation first, give myself the time and space to think on things and only then can i respond. it's hours, even days, later before i get my thoughts and words together; before i find what i had hoped to say all along..


it's in the removing where i find those little pieces of me. whether i come back home to get away and start over or separate myself from the situation and get my head around it all. but i've also wondered, by not responding right away, if i'm losing little pieces of myself along the way as well. in a way, by getting away, i'm able to say exactly what i want to say and, at the same time, i lose exactly what i wanted to say - or what i needed to say - in the moments.

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[not sure if this is making any sense.]
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what's interesting to me lately is i'm letting go a lot more than i used to. sure, i still get labelled the quiet one. that never fails. and i know there are some who will read this who still think i'm quiet or shy or in need of letting go more. that's okay, though, because i know i'm getting there. i find myself becoming more comfortable with me these days. and i'm not only finding myself in those times of "rebooting," but in the moments - right in the moments - as well. when i'm not thinking of what i want to say and how i want to say it; when i'm not wondering how it's going to sound when i get it out; when i'm just letting go.
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i'll always need that time at home; i'll always need that time to myself and my thoughts; but the days and the moments are becoming fuller as i continue to (commandment) be here now.
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"it melted and i let it fall and break
but i was well upon my way to sleep before it fell
and i could tell what form my dreaming was about to take.."

3 comments:

  1. thanks for stopping by so i could find you...being here now, what a discipline that takes...and time to be home and time for yourself are essential to staying healthy as well...enjoyed your thoughts. i will be back.

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  2. "Being here now" sounds good, but you "are" whether you want to be or not. I think you'll be just fine though. Actually, I know you will. And there's nothing wrong with being a homebody... (at least I hope there isn't. ha)

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  3. thanks, brian! i appreciate your comment. hope you'll become a "follower"! ha.

    and thank you, michael! abe is a homebody at heart as well, so we're in good company.

    ReplyDelete

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