it's amazing how fast the weekends go by lately. actually, time in general has been flying by like crazy these days. it's funny. last year seemed to drag on and on; this year, the days never seem to slow down. funny how things change. funny how change - something i was once very afraid of - can be a good thing.
i spent the better part of 2009 thinking of what all was wrong, what needed to change, what needed to be fixed. i lost focus. then, after almost a year in this same state of mind, something hit me. it was never going to be right, things would never change, and some things, as much as i hate to say this, can never be fixed (at least, not in the way you had in mind). once i let all this settle in, things began to look a lot different.
instead of feeling as if i had given up, i began to realize that i had done all i could and there was no more to be done. instead of looking at things in terms of what i was losing, i was then able to start looking at my life in terms of what had been there all along and what i was gaining because of what i had lost. instead of wishing for future things that were uncertain and unpredictable, i shifted my focus to the present day, the here and now.
i get to spend my time with my family and friends who all make up and bring out different pieces of me. i get to laugh with them, share memories with them. i get to get to know them and let them get to know me all over again or for the first time. i get to take care of people for a living and, even though it can be very stressful, i try to keep that in mind - i get to go to work and take care of people. i've finally gotten the opportunity to become the kind of nurse i want to be. that might not make any sense, but it makes sense to me (ask if you want to know). i've gotten to, and i get to, try new things almost every week (pottery, live music and comedy shows and plays, margaritas the size of my head, new restaurants and movies and books and recipes, walks and runs for good causes..). i get to be myself. for the first time in a very long time.
i'm thankful for it all. and so many other things.
and on those days when i start to lose focus again, letting the "what ifs?" get the best of me, i think of what i have now and what i've had all along. what i would have missed. and i'm truly thankful for the way it all turned out. i'm right where i'm meant to be.