feel the sun warming up your second-hand heart. light swimming right across your face.

she felt different all at once and all the sudden. unsettled but content, looking forward while learning from her looking back. she smiled, looking forward to a new kind of life filled with new kinds of things, people and places. looking back over mistakes and everything she had never planned, she realized it didn't matter anymore. what matters now is now; what matters now is here. it took a while for her to get here - to be in this particular state of mind and to know, from an ending, comes a new beginning.

she looked at the sky in a new way now - looking onward to the moon but paying close attention to the many tiny stars along the way - knowing that bigger, better things were ahead, but keeping her heart and mind on the things that made up (that blessed) her every day.

"are you happy?" asked a friend.

"yes," she answered, without hesitation and without a thought in mind.

and there it was, on its own but with great purpose and promise. her answer was honest, but shortly after her "yes," the undeniable question came. she then asked herself, "am i really happy?"

in most moments, yes, she was happy, and more and more moments happened lately in which she was indeed happy. still, being fully happy seemed to be a goal she had yet to reach. after the year she had spent losing pieces, losing happiness, she realized those same pieces and an altogether different happiness were on their way - slowly at first, and then, lately, faster and faster. it was as if, once one piece of herself was found again, and once a part of her happiness had returned (old and new all at once), it then all began to fall into place, step by step, gradually over time.

so, when asked if she was happy, she could smile and genuinely respond, "yes," because in those particular passing moments, she was content in the sincerest of ways. her overall joy, she realized, would take more time to rebuild itself. the best part to her was seeing the pieces falling into place again - her overall happiness on its way back and in clear sight, as her everyday happiness grew from moment to moment, day to day. and a familiar quote came to mind as she thought about where she was and where she had yet to go: "i'm in repair. i'm not together, but i'm getting there."

commandment: leave the lights on. this commandment and this entry deal with optimism and keeping an open heart and mind. after going through the worst of times, i can still say with faith that the best of times are not only on their way, but they are here and happening now. it's as if something great is building, little by little. and, although i know i'm not completely "together," i also know i'm on my way to getting back (to getting myself back) and to finding more.

i'll leave the lights on as i go.