Sunday, February 21, 2010

you should have listened. there is someone here inside.

i'm realizing lately, while i'm doing better with my commandment to listen to myself, there's still room for improvement here. what i've noticed most over the years is that my first instinct is usually right. the trouble is i have a hard time going with my gut without first thinking things through or without first, essentially, ignoring that feeling. it's as if i don't quite trust it just yet or i feel i can beat it, so to say.

here's a silly example. last week, i ate two pop tarts and drank a 16 oz. diet coke immediately before working out. i felt full and funny and unable to work out to the fullest. after telling myself i would never do that again, what did i do? i did it again. i told myself maybe it would be okay this time, maybe i could handle it this go 'round, only to find myself in the exact same state as last time.

so, what's my point? even with that instinct telling me, "don't do this" or "do this," i still question it every time and it seems as if i am trying to prove myself, and that gut feeling, wrong. i don't trust it so i test it. i test it out until i know for sure, even though, more often than not, i've known all along.

maybe it's the optimist in me. deep down, i know something may not be right for me, but i try it anyway. i jump in. at the same time, though, it seems a bit pessimistic of me to ignore that gut feeling, to not trust it and to try and prove that it is wrong. optimistic and pessimistic at the same time, i suppose.
sometimes, i want my instinct to be wrong, especially when it comes to people. i've had my share of bad feelings about people in the past, but i ignore those feelings and try and give people the benefit of the doubt - even if they prove my instinct right in the end. because, really, what's the harm? i'd rather put my faith in people and have it blow up in my face than not give it a shot at all. i'd rather put my trust in something completely than refuse to do it at all - regardless of that gut instinct.

this commandment, listen to myself, is going to take some practice. trusting that inner voice and going with it. at the same time, i've also learned enough about myself to know that, more often than not, my heart and head win over that inner voice. it seems to me i follow the following lyric more than anything - leap and the net will appear.
while this commandment started as a way to try and get myself to go with my gut, it seems it has taken on a new meaning lately. and, in listening to myself, i've realized the optimist inside me usually prevails. it's interesting, to me at least, to see some of these commandments taking on new meanings as time goes on. noticing these changes is another step in listening to myself. really listening. and i'm thankful to be in this spot, right here and now, with an open heart and open ears.
"it's nice today. the wait was so worth it."


  1. I feel like I'm a voyeur to your thoughts. You're writing is so brutal and honest. Wonderful. :) Just wonderful.

  2. sounds like you are on a pretty cool journey. popped over from my cousin, cabo's blog. i probably should not eat as many poptarts as i do as well...

  3. Thank you both! I really appreciate the comments and the input :)

  4. "Hey girl how bout some cotton candy?"


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