Monday, February 22, 2010

all i know is that the fear has got to go this time around.

if you've ever spent time with me, you've probably realized a pause or two that i take before answering your question or before speaking up. i think before i speak. almost always. and, more often than not, i put the words and sentences together in my head first before saying them out loud. it's like a self-edit.

i've known people in my life who talk their way through everything, especially when it comes to problems or issues they are up against. they talk and talk and talk, and eventually, they seem to, through their talking, reach some kind of conclusion about whatever the problem or issue may be. i, on the other hand, think my way through it. in fact, when i am faced with something, it's almost as if i physically can't talk about it right as it is happening, or right after it has happened, before thinking (and thinking and thinking) about it first. it's as if i have to get it straight in my mind first and go from there. once i do end up talking about a problem or issue, i tend to leave out half of what i originally thought - almost as if it doesn't matter or it doesn't need to be said aloud. i edit. i pick and choose. i weed out. and not only do i do it when dealing with a problem, i tend to edit almost everything i have to say.

one commandment i chose when i started this blog was edit less. by editing less, i'd like to think a more genuine version of myself would shine through. instead of over-thinking what i had yet to say, instead of worrying how it would sound, by editing less, i think the real me would become more and more apparent. sounds simple enough, right? just say what i have to say when i have to say it. but, for someone like me, it's anything but simple, and as silly as it may sound, it takes practice and getting used to.

i've watched myself become more comfortable lately with editing less. but i find i have to remind myself to do it. i have to tell myself, just try it. just say what comes to mind in each moment. and, while it has gotten easier, and while i find myself editing less more frequently lately, i still have those moments where i am stuck in my head. the funny part is, i've found lately that when i'm trying to think of something to say, i can't find the words. when i just open up and speak, no matter how random or silly it may be, i not only am able to find the words, i am also able, little by little, to find pieces of me.

instead of trying to work it out in my head first, lately i've found myself speaking up more and getting to my point and explaining myself out loud, no matter how jumbled up it may be initially, no matter how much sense it may not make at first. i seem to be talking my way through it more and more these days, and i am beginning to realize it's okay to not have the perfect words or the perfect way in which to say them. it's okay to put it out there. but, as i mentioned before, it takes practice and getting used to.
when i am able to get out of my head and just say whatever i need to say (or write whatever i want to write), when i just let it out without thinking, i have to say, i feel a lot more like me. i'm not editing. i'm not over-thinking it. i'm just getting it out there. i'm getting me out there. and, without that self-editing and that over-thinking, the whole me is able to get through.

maybe that's why it's so scary and so difficult for me. opening up in this way, without editing, means i'm out there for all to see. the whole me is out there - my words, my ideas, everything. and to have those words and ideas criticized or made fun of or under-appreciated means, essentially, that i too am being criticized or made fun of or under-appreciated. for years, i've struggled with this one, worrying myself to death about what other people thought. i can't say i'm over it, but what i can say is this - every day, it's getting easier being comfortable with me and editing less. i've realized i can only be me, who i am, and i can only be my true self by sticking to the commandment edit less.

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome. Will you please be my spiritual advisor? :)


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