Tuesday, February 9, 2010

and timing is everything and this time, there is plenty. i am balancing, careful and steady.

"we are all, at heart, gradualists - our expectations set by the steady passage of time."

after a year like 2009, there are parts of me i lost. you begin to wonder (i know i still do at times) whether or not you will ever get those pieces back and just how long it will take to be who you were once again. the truth of the matter is, i'll never be the same person again. this year's jennifer is much different than last year's, and i honestly feel i've gained just as many new pieces of me as i have lost.
one piece that still seems to be missing is trust. i've always been one to trust other people without question, genuinely believing in them and their places in my life. i've also always been one to give second and third chances no matter the circumstances. i never imagined any of this changing, and in thinking about it now, it hurts and angers me a little knowing that these particular characteristics of mine have in fact changed - knowing that i let them change.

my trust now is different than it was just a year ago. actually, the way in which i trust is different. i can't say i'm afraid of trusting people or situations, but what i can say is that i find myself being much more cautious of them. yes, i'll put my trust in this or that, but you better believe the questions, doubts and concerns are there right along with it. i have to say, i don't like this. call me careless, but i liked jumping in feet first - to whatever it might have been - completely believing in it. now, i can't get past it, i can't shake it.
the good new is, i still feel willing to trust, knowing that my way of trusting has changed.

call it a lesson learned (revisiting this commandment).

it's hard when you can literally feel that wall up and you know something inside is different, something inside is holding on until the right moment to let go again. that's where the quote comes in. gradually, you begin to feel the wall come down; gradually, the trust gets easier; gradually, you put more trust into it all. but it all happens little by little, as you "test out" each person and each situation first - your expectations in each person and each situation increasing or decreasing, depending on the amount of trust you can put in each of them. the easier it is to trust and to give trust, the higher the expectations and, hopefully, the easier it is to break down that wall. but it can't happen until that right moment, when you're ready for it. at least, i think this is the way it will go. one day.

with each piece that is lost, i feel i have gained three more. because with each lost part comes a greater lesson that, more than likely, leads you to other, greater pieces of yourself. so, even though i have "lost" the way i used to trust, i've learned now (i've gained) that i can still trust, and that when i do put my trust in someone or something, i know now, from those lessons i have learned, that it's a sure bet - because if i wasn't truly ready for it, it would never happen. i know now, when i'm truly ready to trust someone or something, i will have already "tested the waters"; i will know for sure; and i will feel that wall coming down and jump in.

1 comment:

  1. Wow how your words ring painfully true. I can relate on exceptional levels. If you figure out how to rebuild broken walls, do share. Some of us are still foundering in the rubble. :) It was good to share that bit of yourself with the big wide world. That's pretty trusting.


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