Thursday, September 17, 2009

i just opened up my eyes. and let the world come climbing in.

commandment: let it roll.

i've never been good at letting things go (to say the very least). i've never understood it, actually, especially when it comes to big things and to people who have held a significant place in your life. how do you ever let go, really? i'm beginning to think i've never really done it - let go of something or someone entirely. instead, things - and people especially - seem to stick with me for what feels like forever. sure, the feelings surrounding those experiences and those people change and fade, but nothing is ever quite lost or gone.

people talk about needing closure, needing to let go and begin to move on. i understand the importance of this. i do. but i'm also not quite sure why the opposite - holding on - is such a negative thing. what's so wrong with keeping things and people forever in your heart? i've learned *there is room there for all of it.* your heart will hold it all. there's room for the people who aren't physically in your life anymore and, at the same time, there's room for those who are there as well. it all fits, trust me. and it seems to work - holding on, in a certain kind of way, to those you have "lost," while also leaving and having space for those you keep. the spaces just get bigger or smaller according to the importance you place on a person, on a situation, on an experience.. and according to the feelings (as they fade out and in) you hold for each.

so, while i've come to accept the fact (to "let it roll") that i never fully let go of the big things, i've also realized that, when it comes to my everyday life, and those "small things," i need to do a better job of letting go or.. letting it roll. just yesterday, i let (*i let*) a fifteen-minute experience bring me down for the rest of the day. after having a good week, a fun week, and feeling pretty good about things, that one fifteen-minute experience changed everything. i felt tired. i felt down. i noticed i didn't laugh as much as usual (which is unusual for me, by the way). and then, right before i went to bed, it finally hit me - how i had allowed it all to happen. and, suddenly, i was a little mad at myself. what was the problem? i couldn't get it out of my head. i couldn't let it go. i couldn't move on from it. and what happened? it got the best of me and my wednesday.

situations like this, i've noticed, happen to me a lot. actually, i take that back. i let them happen to me a lot. i've also noticed, though, that i'm letting it happen less and less from day to day. sure, i still feel down at times, but i'm learning (slowly but surely) to not let it completely consume my day and me and the way i'm feeling. i'm learning to let it roll.

these particular situations are just like the other experiences i've mentioned before - they're never quite lost on me; i never quite let them go entirely; but they have an altogether different place with me now than they once did before.

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