Monday, June 21, 2010

the circus girl, after all the rodeos, she settles down alone.

i didn't need a rescue
or the flowers in your hands
i never needed jewelry
or promises made in sand

i don't need your approval
or consent to go ahead
i never needed your choice
or the words you only said

at the end of the day
it all fell away
and what i needed...
it wasn't there anyway

i fight against it. the needing someone or something. or try to, at the very least. i feel determined to open my own doors and pickle jars; to walk myself to my own car; to buy flowers for myself just because. if i know i can do it myself, and if i do it myself, there's little room for waiting and disappointment. it all rests on me.

words and things have begun to mean little to me these days. they never amounted to anything before, so why would it be any different this go 'round? i need to see those words and things in motion. movement. action. at least, before i put my trust behind them. until then, it seems, i'm just waiting for the fall-out.

wow. reading this back, it all sounds pretty pessimistic. it doesn't come from a place of pessimism. honestly. it comes from being honest with myself, finally, at this particular point in time and knowing where i am at the end of the day. only knowing now.

a few months ago, i talked this same talk. but, to be honest, i wasn't really there yet. i still relied on outside sources for my happiness and comfort and needs. now, although i still look to family and friends for those same things, i can say, more than i could a few months ago, that i'm learning to look to myself first. and then, take it from there. this is where i am now, moving forward in my own shoes.

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