Thursday, January 28, 2010

but i don't mind the dark, discovering the day.

so, getting back to those commandments.

commandment: call it a lesson learned.

-i've (unfortunately) learned to be more cautious with my heart, my trust and my expectations. i have to say, this is one lesson i wish i never had to learn. i kind of liked being naive.
-i've (fortunately) learned, despite the questions and doubts i may now have, i'm still not afraid to jump in feet first and try new things (just a little more carefully than before).
-i'm learning that not everything makes sense but it's not my job to know why things happen the way they do. all i know is, there is meaning in all of this.
-i've (almost) learned you can't change people.
-i've (frustratingly) learned you can't always make people hear you no matter how many times you repeat yourself.
-i've learned that actions mean more than words; talk and promises are cheap. do something about it if it means anything to you.
-i'm (impatiently) learning that just because you think it should work out that does not mean it will or that it is meant to.
-i'm (sadly) learning that, just when you think you're settled, moved on and figured out, something happens, something changes, and you're right back where you started (although, it does get easier to "shake off" as time goes on).
-i'm learning it's important to learn how to make yourself happy; to learn what makes you happiest; to get things straight in your head first; and to figure things out for yourself (i'm not sure i'd call this one a "lesson learned" just yet; we'll call it a "lesson it progress").
-i've (suddenly) learned that i spent the better part of the last five years thinking this is me, this is who i am; now, i'm beginning to think i still have yet to know the real me (but i'm okay with that and with figuring it out in my own time).
-i'm learning that things that used to not scare me at all now terrify me.
-i'm learning that things that used to terrify me now excite me and don't scare me at all.
-i've learned, slowly but surely, that my first instinct is usually right; i just have to learn to trust it.
-i've learned that life is genuinely funny (even when it shouldn't be).
-i'm learning that i tend to say, "i hate making decisions; i hate picking," when the truth of it is - i know exactly what i want.
-i'm learning (more and more every day) how big of a difference a good song, a long laugh, a hard work-out and a little writing can make.
-i'm starting to learn how much i enjoy trying new things, finding new music and books to get into, getting to know new people and figuring out this new life of mine (one step at a time).
-i've started to learn how much of me can be found in my writing and my getting it out in this way.
-i've learned i am blessed with the most supportive family and friends in the world (well, i've always known this, but it has become even more apparent in the last year) who all help make up the person i am today and who help give me faith for the days ahead.
-i've learned (more than ever) that i am a quiet person with a lot on my mind and secrets in my heart, but eventually, you'll get to see the sillier, more open side of me.
-i've learned it takes time for me to be me.

i'm happy to know i've taken something away from it all and to have these lessons in my heart. i'm happy to be in this position now - guarded but open; uncertain but convinced; unsettled but content. it's not where i planned to be but i'm glad i'm here.

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