here goes nothing. here it comes again.

what's being done.. a little rainy day writing..

When it rains, that is when I feel closest to my friend. Pieces of heaven coming down, bridging the distance in between. I can’t remember a rainier springtime than this past spring, and you are always there in the rain; I always find you there. Maybe rain showers are God’s way, one of His many ways, of helping us continue to stay in touch. In those brief moments, when the rain splashes and sinks down, you’re here again. And, just as it always has, the rain offers up, as it falls down, a sense of comfort when it is needed most.

Today is no different. This lazy, sun-stricken Sunday afternoon in August, when the clouds surprised me in their impulsive strain to rid themselves of rain as quickly as they can. It’s as if God yelled “hop!” to everyone in heaven, and suddenly their footprints against the rain-laden puffs triggered the downpour.

I flinch. A jolt of unannounced thunder cracks against the windowpane. One jarring clap from God, signaling his hoppers to now jump until the clouds are drained entirely. Faint rumbles of thunder crawl across the sky, piercing every so often, shaking the clouds nearly-empty, then slowly receding until they can no longer be heard.

The rain begins to slow. I imagine the jumpers are growing tired, ready for a nap that most assuredly comes after a rainstorm such as this. One by one, the jumpers cease as soon as their job is done. One jumper to water the flowers that now sing thanksgiving; one to soak the thirsty ground; one to fill the forgotten birdbaths; and one to coax a writer into journaling once again.

I see your job has yet to be finished. In my mind, you, my friend, are still jumping, ever-so-lightly, freeing the white patches in the sky of all they have left to give. At least for today. As the final raindrops give and gather, I realize what your task must be when God calls on his jumpers - to remind and surround those who know you best when they miss you the most.

all this sunlight feels warm on my face today.

it has been a very full summer, july especially. filled with work, school, projects, crafts and time spent with my family and friends. every day has involed something productive, something special. the main project? a room makeover (pictures on website below), with lots of help from my loved ones. i have loved spending the summer like this, with those closest to me closest to me, doing things together and making the absolute most of the time we have been given. it's not that, because of what happened a few months ago, i set out to live every day to the fullest. instead, it's almost as if it's all happening automatically now, something inside pushing the outside into meaningful, purposeful motion. so, i think from here on out, this blog will be about all that is being done, here and now. the projects, the crafts, the baking. and the memories being made with my family and friends along the way.
http://s1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff450/JenBen13/

the room, what was done..

~ painted the walls.. a robin's egg blue.. *painted with care* :)

~ painted wooden 4x6 picture frames with blue and white paint for bookcase

~ added blue and white vases and flowers to the bookcase, along with floral-print boxes

~ used pink butterfly and blue damask scrapbook paper to fill white wall frames and frame boxes, hung small white shelves under the frames

~ replaced the frames on nightstand with one white decorative frame and small glass jar that i filled with dried blue and green hydrangeas

~ filled the nine-spot white wall frame with my favorite quotes, lyrics and bible verses, hung frame boxes on either side and shelves underneath and placed small glass jars, of different sizes and shapes, filled with dried hydrangeas, all around

*all shelves, frames and frame boxes hung with care* :)

~ replaced my old tv stand/"dresser" with a new expresso-colored dressed, *put together with care* :)

~ painted four wooden 4x6 picture frames with white paint, printed my favorite lyric (a sea of flowers won't boom without the rain) and placed in frames. then, after hanging on wall, placed a white satin ribbon behind the frames

and for all you know, this could be.

along with my family and friends, you always encouraged my writing, my finishing my book one day, and always read and were excited about my writing, too. after a month or so of little, if any, writing, i'm finally finding my way back to it again. i've spent a lot of time with my book this past week, reading through it, adding to it, thinking about it and growing excited by it once again.

tonight, i came across something i wrote in the book almost a year ago and thought i'd share.

"i guess your heart renews itself, piece by piece, and only piece by piece, as you’re ready for it. 'today,' says your heart, 'you’re ready for independence; today, you’re ready for forgiveness; now, you’re ready for moving forward'; and on and on until your heart is finally repaired and ready for its grand reopening.."

even though i wrote this during an altogether different time in my life last year, i know the same idea applies now. today, you're ready for remembrance, for settling in, for putting the final pieces in place.

i feel like, now that you are gone, we're called to live our lives more completely, to live our lives twice as well, as if to make up for the time you lost. i know, if you were here, you'd still be encouraging me to write and to finish my book, just as my family and friends do now. in many ways, i still feel you encouraging me, to keep on, to make sure i've got it all down. and i'll keep doing just that, knowing in some way, you'll keep reading.

that was the night the sky turned green.

We were talking about you the day that it happened. At the time that it happened, as it turns out. Melissa and I. Sitting at a Japanese buffet for lunch that Sunday afternoon. A little boy, about five years old, with dark black hair, played in the booth next to us. As he smiled at the little girl at the next table, I said something to Melissa like, "Aw, little Javi," and we both laughed. "It really is! It’s like a miniature Javier!" Melissa told me. As we got up to get dessert, for whatever reason that day, I got grapes. We sat down, and with you on my mind after our recent conversation, I began laughing as I looked down at the plate. Melissa laughed and asked, "What?" I told her how, whenever I’d come over to see you, you’d always offer me orange juice, hot pockets (try lean pockets, too!), oatmeal, cereal and, of course, grapes. "He always called them love grapes," I said to her, still laughing.

~

I don’t know what made me think of this "story" tonight. I don’t know why "mini Javi" was beside us that afternoon. I don’t know what made us talk about you that day, or what made me get grapes for dessert.

~

I’ll never know why, but I know who’s behind the why, and that’s all I ever really need to know.

remember everything, she said, when only memories remain.

There are no letters for me to write and send
No lingering heartaches left to mend
And no rules that I could bend
To bring you back

~
There is no fight that is waiting for its end
No remaining worries I have to tend
And no helping hand to extend
To bring you back

~
With time, comes healing, or so they say
But the farther I get from that February day
The harder it gets to only remember you this way
And the sadder it seems to move further away
From the times we had that will forever stay
In the moments before that February day

hoping i would see the world through both my eyes.

I picture you looking down on us
You’re always standing
Arms crossed and a smile on your face
With a look of anticipation
As if you’re waiting for the show to start
As always, you don’t want to miss a thing
You won’t miss anything
You look out over us
Keeping an eye on what’s ahead
But always laughing, always being, in the moment
Your eyes are wide, taking it all in
And getting the most out of everything you see
I picture you happy
On the edge of your seat, so to say
And always ready for anything
And it’s more than you watching out for us, watching over us
It’s you standing beside of us, still refusing to miss a thing

i wanted to see you walking backward.

There was something about the river’s bend
That let me know we’d me again
And there you wait, my sweet, missed friend
Across the stream, and ushering in
Your arms stretched out, two hands that lend
I reached and leaped and over I went
Knowing full well the journey we’d spent
Just like the ripples - without beginning or end
Now I sit at the side of the river’s bend
Knowing one day we’ll meet again
I picture you waiting, my ever-present friend
Through the clouds, and calling from within
Your arms open wide, two hands that send
Messages of hope and faith in leaps again
Remembering the journey destined to amend
A heart, and all its ripples, without beginning or an end