Monday, February 28, 2011

"remember everything," she said. "when only memories remain."

Because I don't know what to say out loud.. Because I can't sleep..
You are already so missed. Never did I think there’d be a day I knew without you. So young. So full of life. And always with a smile. I saw you for the last time Saturday, February 26th, 2011. I passed by you at the gym, you passed by me. “Hey, what’s up, Jennaynay?” you said, with a big smile on your face, with a big smile in your eyes. I said, “Hey, how are you?” with a smile on mine, in mine. I read back through our old emails tonight, but mostly, I read back through my journal from last year. All we did, all the memories and inside jokes. I’m so glad I wrote it all down. I’m so glad I have it all with me still; although, it doesn’t come close to having you here. This time last year, things were so good with us. You showed up last year at just the right time. We were always, always on the same page, both of us wanting the same things at the same times. You got me. I miss that so much.
I miss you so much, my dear friend. I miss your laugh - I can still hear it. I’ll miss seeing you at the gym several times a week. I’m not sure how it’s going to be going back there - not seeing you at your desk, not waving hello and goodbye to you, not making funny faces at you, not hearing you say, “Hey, Jennaynay. What’s up?” I will miss the “What’s up?” so much. I’ll miss getting emails from you that always, always read “contains offensive language” at the top of them. I’ll miss hearing you say, “I wish my name was.. Floyd.. Sampson.. Willy..” you name it. I’ll miss so many things; I already do.
You were a good friend, to say the very least. My heart is broken, and I’ve cried for hours, literally. I wish I could just talk to you, text you. I’ve left two messages on your wall on Facebook now, and it does help for some reason. I’ve looked through pictures tonight from last year - the February snow, your car stuck in the snow outside my house, the pictures at my house with the girls and Brandon around the kitchen table, your pictures from Battle of the Biceps and Mayhem. Someone added pictures of you on your wall tonight - they were pictures from the night of my birthday party - you know, when we went to Macado’s, and then went to El Rodeo and had a little too much to drink (and there were 18 waiters singing "Happy Birthday" to me). I’ll never forget that ride home, screaming with the windows down, hair flying, putting lotion on Jeff’s knee because someone farted and I thought it would help the smell (and, really, it just confused Jeff).
I’ve read so many comments on Facebook tonight about how people said they’ll miss seeing your smiling face, how you were always smiling. It’s true, and I know exactly how they feel. So many people are missing you, are grieving. It’s a sad, sad day. I remember the late-night runs to McDonald’s for chicken nuggets and fries; I remember all the movies we went to see and watched (especially the stupid funny movies that always cracked us up.. funky fresh); I remember allllllll the music - my iPOD hasn’t been the same since; I remember the cook-outs and the many trips to Alejandro’s; Suka bear ninja fox dog; watching “Paranormal” and you freaking out; the red velvet cakes; McGruber (and seeing him in person that one night); all the laughs (there were many) and giant hugs; and so many other memories.
You always found something special in everything, always enjoyed things to the fullest, always took things one step at a time. I’ll keep that with me always. I know you always read my blog; I believe you’re still able to. Lots of love and giant hugs, turkey.

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