Monday, July 5, 2010

you're a shell-picker of the pickiest kind. but you always find the ones to keep.

i like to think i know people pretty well. in general. my instincts about people are rarely wrong. yet, despite that instinct, i've found myself, throughout the years, ignoring that gut feeling and giving people the benefit of the doubt.

in the past, i've been able to ignore my instinct almost entirely; nowadays, things have seemingly changed (at least, a little). i'm trying to listen to myself more and that voice in my head. i'm trying to know better. but, in knowing better, and in following that same gut feeling, i'm afraid i'm left with little to trust. i'm guessing that's one of the reasons i ignore my instinct at times - because you end up with less. i guess, though, if you have at least a few people in your life who you can genuinely trust, well, that's something - among many other things - to be thankful for. but, at the same time, it's sad to realize your belief and trust in people, in general, have changed. the bubble has popped and, suddenly, it's time to grow up. and i guess that's all part of life, weeding our way through the lies and the best of intentions to get to the other side of it all.

when i look back on the times i went against that gut feeling - those are the times i found myself farther away from me than i had ever been; those are the times when it fell apart; those are the times that could have been avoided, had i listened to myself to begin with. but if you have a bad feeling about something or someone, should you at least give them the benefit of the doubt? or should you automatically go with that initial instinct and cut and run? i know myself. i know i'll continue giving second (and third and fourth) chances, with the hope that i can prove myself wrong in the end - even though i'm trying to know better.

there's this line in one of my favorite sara bareilles' songs that says - "my memory is cruel. i'm queen of attention to detail. defending intentions if he fails." and that's me. not just when it comes to guys. but everyone. "well, surely she meant this"; "surely he didn't mean in that way"; "i'm sure they were just having a bad day." and, at the heart of it, i know i'm only lying to myself and defending their intentions. and the funny part is, i'm not a big fan of intentions. you can intend to do or not do something, but what really matters, at least to me, is what is actually said or done.

i don't make a lot of sense sometimes. i know this. but this is how i think.

and funny how distrust seems to settle in and never let go. even years later. to the point where you're almost looking for someone to screw up, to lie, to give you a reason to say, "right again." kind of messed up, i know, but nowadays, this blog is about writing what's on my mind from day to day, moment to moment, and this is where i am now.

so. when you meet new people, how do you know if you can trust them? the people i trust - i've known them for years and years. but how do you ever know if those who are new to your life can really be trusted? do you just jump in and hope it works out? i've tried that, and despite my best efforts, my guard seems to still be up no matter what i do. so, my best guess is that it takes time, and only time, to begin trusting again. and, even then, i wouldn't be surprised if the guard was still up a little.

i think i've said this before, but it's amazing what you can lose if you really listen to your heart and that feeling inside. but i'm beginning to think and see that, in that losing, comes a lot of gaining, and what you've then gained makes up for, and surpasses, what was lost. the key, though? listening to your gut and, more importantly, having the guts to go with it.

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