step one.

this blog has been a lot of things to me over the last few years but mostly, it has been a way to write through it. now, though, i would like to do something different with this blog of mine. a while back, i wrote about different commandments i was trying out in life, thanks to inspiration from gretchen rubin's blog, "the happiness project" (http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/about.html). at the time, i had only read her blog entries and learned of her happiness project and the measures she took to find and create more happiness in her life. now, a couple years later, i am reading her book, also called "the happiness project," which details her year-long journey toward increased happiness. she was not unhappy to begin with, and neither am i. this project has more to do with better utilizing your happiness and taking that extra step. a couple years ago, when i came across rubin's blog, i made a list of my own commandments and wrote about them in my own blog. this list included the following:

be here now
get up and dance
write more, think less
kindness first
listen to myself
call it a lesson learned
leave the lights on
dance in the rain
let it roll
get back to basics
edit less
surround myself

now that i have gotten into rubin's book, i am once again inspired to create a new list and begin writing about these new commandments. and i think, as she does in her book, i will tackle one new "subject" each month for the next year. again, this is not, "i'm unhappy, let me try and fix that." it is, however, "i'm very happy in my life, let me try and extend that." i think i will start with the topic of healthier living. new entry, april 1st.

i see it now.

As two of my preschoolers worked ever-so-thoughtfully to put a puzzle together, they realized that a single piece was missing. Up out of their seats they flew. Around the room they hunted. Eyes-wide and searching. A sense of genuine concern for the misplaced piece. I told them not to worry, we would find it. But still, they continued their pursuit of the puzzle piece, what they needed to complete the picture. I told them to keep working, that they could still put most of the puzzle together. Except for that one empty spot in the left upper corner, the puzzle was complete, the big picture was still visible.

There may be times when pieces, little and big, seem to go missing. And it sends you searching, wildly, for them. Most of the time, though, if you keep working at it, whatever it may be, you can still reach the endpoint without having all your pieces together and just so. No matter what you have planned, no matter what you think is missing from those plans, the bigger picture is always in sight if you take the time to see it.

crossing january skies.

every once in a while, i can hear the planes taking off at night from the nearby airport. an all the sudden stir and rumble starting to the right then moving overhead. but it is never as loud as when it prepares to take off, when it begins to climb. almost as if all its energy goes into the forethought.

and then.. seemingly silent thereafter, crossing january skies.

there are resolutions and plans to be made, i suppose. but until the flight itself matches the roar of the climb, there will only ever be..

before we begin again.

except for a wonderful break at christmastime, and the days and nights spent with the people i love most, the past five or six months seem to have been stuck on fast forward. at the end of every week, i find myself wondering, "is it really friday already?" again and again. needless to say, the time off around christmas was a true blessing for many reasons. it was nice to spend the time how i wanted. it was nice to sleep and read and cook and lie on the couch. it was nice to not have anything to turn in or study. and it was especially nice to be surrounded by the love and laughter of my family.

the new year began and it came flying in. the late days of december were a breather, i suppose, before january pushed its way to the forefront. and here it is. another year. and the fast forward button seems to have been pressed again.

one of my favorite lyrics says, there is no reason we should be standing still. and i agree with it. i think we should fill our days and hearts with all the love and laughter and life that we can. i think there is always something more we can do, try, make better. i think there is enough time in each day to do, and i think we have room for it all. i think sometimes, though, the rush takes over what matters most.

the more i kept having those "is it really friday already?" moments, and the more my days seemed to hold, the more i kept going, the more i wanted to do.

until i stopped. until there was a break. until there was time away from the rush.

only then did i realize how much i wanted and needed the breather, and the time to spend filling my days and my heart with the love and laughter and lives that matter most.

at the end of every day, and at the end of yet another year,

we can all use a december breather before we begin again.

until she sleeps.

i have always had trouble going to sleep when i should, or ending the day before the next day begins. a night owl by nature, i find comfort in the hours that lead into midnight and the moments that follow. gradually winding down, gradually getting to the point where i know once i place my head on my pillow, i will fall asleep soon. it just takes time, though. and i have learned over the years that, if i simply lie down and try to sleep without writing or reading or listening to music (something), i will lie there for many minutes, even hours, trying to find my way to sleep.

i've known people who are able to lie down, close their eyes and magically fall right to sleep. personally, i don't get it. and, while i used to envy this seemingly-magical ability, i now know it's simply not within me to do the same.

i spend a lot of my time during my days thinking. i suppose the night is my time to collect and organize those thoughts into something that means something to me, something that makes sense. and before the next day begins, or at least before the alarm sounds in the morning, i have to get it straight. whatever it may be. there has to be some sort of plan, if not a resolution. and, until i have it in mind, i continue to write, read, fill my ears with music. all the while thinking. and taking the time to do what i know works for me. it may not make sense to some, but it makes sense to me. and you can trust that i've thought it through, i'm thinking it through, with the night owls on my side.

a heart that holds.

amazing what a heart can endure, hold, make room for. amazing what you can find if you listen there. that unmistakable flutter, pitter-patter, that lets you know something is on its way out (but never gone), something is finding its way in, something is building, something is beginning - even if you aren't quite sure what it is.

think about it - all that you have in your heart. i like to think of the heart as having different compartments for different memories and moments, and you choose (or at least you think you choose) how much space each memory and each moment gets. instead of letting go, the heart says, "i've got this," and finds the right spot for every last thing, gently putting the past in its place. your heart can't and won't let it go, but you begin to realize that is not such a bad thing. because other things are taking over, have found their place within. it's almost as if the heart contracts when it comes to the bad, takes a breather and collects itself, then expands shortly after (pushing the bad to faraway corners) to make room for the good. it finds ways to protect, it finds ways to remind. but no matter what's inside, i've found that there is room for all of it. i know this now.

your heart makes more and more room for the good. it says, "hey, i could get used to this," and it does. and soon, you hardly think of those faraway corners, though always with you. your heart continues to let in.. but never lets go. i've watched it happen. i've felt it happen. and i look forward to all a heart can hold.

it's never just.

the memories that find you when everything falls still. remembering, quiet thinking, filling spaces in between. when the world outside slows down for a moment. an all-the-sudden hush covering the otherwise-hectic autumn days. catch your breath. in the reflection, the looking back, the peeking forward, finding familiar smiles and laughter, and oftentimes songs, that seem to get lost within the ever-moving shuffle. lost but never gone, never far, from us. and it's never just...there is meaning within the moments and the thoughts that stick with you, that appear and reappear on their own. the smile that sneaks across your face, the laughter that brings about relief, the songs that reach a place within and play again and again in your mind. there is meaning within the moments.

it's never just a song in your head.